Every year I look forward to Christmas. I am one of those that will put up my Christmas decorations the week of Thanksgiving, much to my husband’s dismay (he has learned that he can’t stop me because I do it all while he’s at work). Every year I look forward to opening the storage totes and finding things I bought on clearance last year that I have forgotten about over the year. I knew this year was going to be different.
On Friday, we will mark the one year day of “the phone call” that changed life for us, and probably more for me. I was in such a daze a year ago that I don’t even remember boxing up my decorations which was problematic this year when I couldn’t remember what totes everything had been put into. I didn’t go clearance shopping which was disappointing when I opened my totes and found nothing new to display this year. In spite of me trying to stay positive and not focus on where I was a year ago, I found post it notes that had the Bishop and Stake Presidents work and cell phone numbers so that we could get a hold of them as travel arrangements and interview appointments were made for our son who came home two weeks before Christmas.
But I pushed through all that and Christmas did get put up although it wasn't before Thanksgiving. I think that is a first for me. As I was decorating my trees (yes, I said trees. I have four) I kept thinking to myself, “Well, at least I know the Bishop, Stake President, and Relief Society, won’t be over here trying to console a family.” But all those thoughts factored into my decorating and I made sure I did an extra good job this year. Maybe I’m trying to vindicate myself from last year – who knows why we woman think the things we think :D Regardless, my decorating looks good because I think I’ll always carry that memory every single Christmas. But I also take comfort in the fact that never again can I be delivered a blow like that again.
But this isn't my point. My point is this: It has almost been a year now and what have I learned? As I was studying the conference Ensign on Sunday, I came across this quote from Elder Quinten L. Cook’s talk called, Can Ye Feel So Now. It is a quote from Oliver Wendall Holmes that says, “I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it,-but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.”
This reminds me of the picture of the Tree of Life, the darkness, the spacious building, those that made it to the tree that are encouraging those still trudging through the darkness, and those that have let go. It wasn't enough to just hold on to the iron rod, you had to make forward progress in order to reach the tree. You had to put one foot in front of the other, one hand over the other hand to hold onto the rod.
Perhaps I have spent this year doing more drifting. Maybe lots of learning that I don’t quite recognize yet, but I didn't let go. I still have faith; my testimony was shaken I hate to admit, but my faith still largely intact. I still go to church every week, even when I know there is a farewell or homecoming talk, because I know that I can’t let go. I have continued to serve in a demanding church calling because Heavenly Father knew I would need that calling to appreciate the trials I have and come to love others in a way I never would have sought. I still struggle to make sense of a missionary that came home early, of a child I raised that wasn't honest with me, of still standing tall when I want to be swallowed up sometimes at church, but I am determined to reach the port of heaven and not let this be an anchor around my leg. And I can learn and feel all these things with more meticulously decorated trees this year…just in case :D
On Friday, we will mark the one year day of “the phone call” that changed life for us, and probably more for me. I was in such a daze a year ago that I don’t even remember boxing up my decorations which was problematic this year when I couldn’t remember what totes everything had been put into. I didn’t go clearance shopping which was disappointing when I opened my totes and found nothing new to display this year. In spite of me trying to stay positive and not focus on where I was a year ago, I found post it notes that had the Bishop and Stake Presidents work and cell phone numbers so that we could get a hold of them as travel arrangements and interview appointments were made for our son who came home two weeks before Christmas.
But I pushed through all that and Christmas did get put up although it wasn't before Thanksgiving. I think that is a first for me. As I was decorating my trees (yes, I said trees. I have four) I kept thinking to myself, “Well, at least I know the Bishop, Stake President, and Relief Society, won’t be over here trying to console a family.” But all those thoughts factored into my decorating and I made sure I did an extra good job this year. Maybe I’m trying to vindicate myself from last year – who knows why we woman think the things we think :D Regardless, my decorating looks good because I think I’ll always carry that memory every single Christmas. But I also take comfort in the fact that never again can I be delivered a blow like that again.
But this isn't my point. My point is this: It has almost been a year now and what have I learned? As I was studying the conference Ensign on Sunday, I came across this quote from Elder Quinten L. Cook’s talk called, Can Ye Feel So Now. It is a quote from Oliver Wendall Holmes that says, “I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it,-but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.”
This reminds me of the picture of the Tree of Life, the darkness, the spacious building, those that made it to the tree that are encouraging those still trudging through the darkness, and those that have let go. It wasn't enough to just hold on to the iron rod, you had to make forward progress in order to reach the tree. You had to put one foot in front of the other, one hand over the other hand to hold onto the rod.
Perhaps I have spent this year doing more drifting. Maybe lots of learning that I don’t quite recognize yet, but I didn't let go. I still have faith; my testimony was shaken I hate to admit, but my faith still largely intact. I still go to church every week, even when I know there is a farewell or homecoming talk, because I know that I can’t let go. I have continued to serve in a demanding church calling because Heavenly Father knew I would need that calling to appreciate the trials I have and come to love others in a way I never would have sought. I still struggle to make sense of a missionary that came home early, of a child I raised that wasn't honest with me, of still standing tall when I want to be swallowed up sometimes at church, but I am determined to reach the port of heaven and not let this be an anchor around my leg. And I can learn and feel all these things with more meticulously decorated trees this year…just in case :D
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