What a difference a year makes. A year ago I was still avoiding places and people. A year ago I didn’t care that it was spring and it was time to work in the yard. A year ago I wasn’t even happy enough to take my pots to the nursery to be potted because I simply didn’t feel like anything was ever going to be the same again. A year ago I didn’t even care that we canceled our family summer vacation because going somewhere as a family was another reminder that life hadn’t turned out the way I had expected it to and I was getting tired of explaining that to people.
As I was sitting in Relief Society yesterday, I was struck by one of the statements from Lorenzo Snow because it sums up the past year of my life. The quote says, “The Lord has strengthened us and increased us in our growth. Like the infant, when it grows up it knows not how it received gradual strength and the manner in which it increased in stature. It is larger this year than last. So in regard to our spiritual advancement. We feel stronger today than we did a year ago…. (pg, 115 Teachings of Presidents of the Church – Lorenzo Snow
As I listened to our lesson yesterday it took me back to the days of being a young mother. Having five kids less than 8 years apart I don’t remember when they grew up. I think I was too busy just surviving the day to day routine that I probably didn’t absorb the full joy of watching them grow and mature. I didn’t cry when they started walking because it meant one less kid to carry while being pregnant. I didn’t think my babies were growing up when they were potty trained because I was just happy that I had one less diaper to change. I didn’t cry when my babies went to kindergarten because it was one less child to run errands with and one less diaper bag to tote around. Like many young, naïve, and overwhelmed mothers I know I spent a lot of time just wishing the phase of babies and toddlers away thinking that the next phase of life would be so much easier. I often wonder if I spent so much time wishing away their baby days that I missed on many simple pleasures and lessons along the way.
As I thought of those days it made me reflect on where I was a year ago and I can see how much I have grown over time. Like watching my children grow up, I think I turned around one a day a few months ago and realized that I had grown and healed significantly but can’t pinpoint an exact day or experience that led to that growth. Like Lorenzo Snow says, I don’t know exactly when I “grew up” but it happened. I am stronger today than I was a year ago and I think the reason why is because I know my son has grown as well.
My son was in a very dark place when he came home. We knew we did not have the expertise as parents to give him the full mental help he probably needed so we asked him how he would feel about seeing a counselor. To our surprise he agreed and it was really good for him. At first he met with a counselor once a week for a couple of months. We saw the fog lift, he seemed to get stronger every week, he began to laugh and joke, and he began to feel happier again. His need to see the counselor diminished each month and within six months he didn't need to go anymore. Six months after he came home he was able to move out on his own, got a full time job, and bought his own car. He was able to meet people that have been a positive influence in his life. I began to worry less and less about him because I felt he was getting both feet on the ground again and building his own life. He was attending church on his own and probably for the first time in his life was building his own testimony. He would come home throughout the summer for different family parties and BBQ’s and each time he came home made me feel better about his progress. I still mourned the fact that he was home and not serving a mission but those feelings were slowly, very, very slowly, beginning to ease.
We had family pictures taken in August of last year since it had been a few years since we had last taken them. When you have 5 teenagers they grow up and change very quickly. When those pictures came back I was struck by the pictures of my son. I hadn't realized the change in his face – maybe because I hadn't been looking for it or perhaps because it had been as gradual as the change of them growing from babies to toddlers. As I looked at our family pictures I could see that my son’s countenance had changed. He had the light of Christ back in his face - he looked like my son; the son that had once been lost. I studied every single picture and in every picture he was my son again. At that moment I knew that he was going to be okay. I knew that he too had survived something so very difficult and he had gradually been made whole again through the power of the Atonement. I knew that it did not and could not matter anymore that he hadn't finished a mission because he had done what he needed to do to have that light of Christ inside of him. He was healing and it was time for me to heal was well. That was probably the first big turning point in my healing.
The second turning point came a few months later as I was sitting outside our Bishop’s office waiting for a Relief Society meeting to begin on a very cold January night. As I sat there alone, I was looking at all the missionary plaques hanging outside his office. Up until that day I always made a point of not looking at those because it still hurt. I remembered where my son’s plaque hung for a few short weeks and it was now replaced with another smiling elder. In that quiet moment outside the Bishop’s office the Spirit testified to me that everything was okay – that everything was how it was supposed to be. I had a feeling of total peace come over me while looking at those plaques and not seeing my son’s there. For the first time it became okay that I was not a missionary mom and I didn't feel the need for that title any longer. For the first time in a year I was able to let go of the disappointment and move on. That burden was gone.
I know there have been other more subtle turning points that have come as I have attended the temple, gone to church each week, and found ways to serve others. I know that I have been greatly healed in the simple mundane things that the gospel teaches us to do every day. In simply just keeping myself busy in surviving the day to day emotions of having a missionary return early I was strengthened because my Heavenly Father loves me and helped me learn to find joy again. I know I have spent much time wishing away this phase of life for something easier but I have learned to appreciate the growth that the Lord allowed me to experience. I am so thankful for the gradual growth that has sustained me in what has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced so far in my life.
This spring I am ready to work in my yard. My pots are at the nursery and I am excited to pick them up in a few weeks. The idea of planning a family vacation doesn't scare me like it did a year ago. I don’t avoid places and people as much as I used to although I’m not sure I’ll ever really get over having to tell people my son came home early. I feel like life is returning to normal, albeit a new normal.
As I was sitting in Relief Society yesterday, I was struck by one of the statements from Lorenzo Snow because it sums up the past year of my life. The quote says, “The Lord has strengthened us and increased us in our growth. Like the infant, when it grows up it knows not how it received gradual strength and the manner in which it increased in stature. It is larger this year than last. So in regard to our spiritual advancement. We feel stronger today than we did a year ago…. (pg, 115 Teachings of Presidents of the Church – Lorenzo Snow
As I listened to our lesson yesterday it took me back to the days of being a young mother. Having five kids less than 8 years apart I don’t remember when they grew up. I think I was too busy just surviving the day to day routine that I probably didn’t absorb the full joy of watching them grow and mature. I didn’t cry when they started walking because it meant one less kid to carry while being pregnant. I didn’t think my babies were growing up when they were potty trained because I was just happy that I had one less diaper to change. I didn’t cry when my babies went to kindergarten because it was one less child to run errands with and one less diaper bag to tote around. Like many young, naïve, and overwhelmed mothers I know I spent a lot of time just wishing the phase of babies and toddlers away thinking that the next phase of life would be so much easier. I often wonder if I spent so much time wishing away their baby days that I missed on many simple pleasures and lessons along the way.
As I thought of those days it made me reflect on where I was a year ago and I can see how much I have grown over time. Like watching my children grow up, I think I turned around one a day a few months ago and realized that I had grown and healed significantly but can’t pinpoint an exact day or experience that led to that growth. Like Lorenzo Snow says, I don’t know exactly when I “grew up” but it happened. I am stronger today than I was a year ago and I think the reason why is because I know my son has grown as well.
My son was in a very dark place when he came home. We knew we did not have the expertise as parents to give him the full mental help he probably needed so we asked him how he would feel about seeing a counselor. To our surprise he agreed and it was really good for him. At first he met with a counselor once a week for a couple of months. We saw the fog lift, he seemed to get stronger every week, he began to laugh and joke, and he began to feel happier again. His need to see the counselor diminished each month and within six months he didn't need to go anymore. Six months after he came home he was able to move out on his own, got a full time job, and bought his own car. He was able to meet people that have been a positive influence in his life. I began to worry less and less about him because I felt he was getting both feet on the ground again and building his own life. He was attending church on his own and probably for the first time in his life was building his own testimony. He would come home throughout the summer for different family parties and BBQ’s and each time he came home made me feel better about his progress. I still mourned the fact that he was home and not serving a mission but those feelings were slowly, very, very slowly, beginning to ease.
We had family pictures taken in August of last year since it had been a few years since we had last taken them. When you have 5 teenagers they grow up and change very quickly. When those pictures came back I was struck by the pictures of my son. I hadn't realized the change in his face – maybe because I hadn't been looking for it or perhaps because it had been as gradual as the change of them growing from babies to toddlers. As I looked at our family pictures I could see that my son’s countenance had changed. He had the light of Christ back in his face - he looked like my son; the son that had once been lost. I studied every single picture and in every picture he was my son again. At that moment I knew that he was going to be okay. I knew that he too had survived something so very difficult and he had gradually been made whole again through the power of the Atonement. I knew that it did not and could not matter anymore that he hadn't finished a mission because he had done what he needed to do to have that light of Christ inside of him. He was healing and it was time for me to heal was well. That was probably the first big turning point in my healing.
The second turning point came a few months later as I was sitting outside our Bishop’s office waiting for a Relief Society meeting to begin on a very cold January night. As I sat there alone, I was looking at all the missionary plaques hanging outside his office. Up until that day I always made a point of not looking at those because it still hurt. I remembered where my son’s plaque hung for a few short weeks and it was now replaced with another smiling elder. In that quiet moment outside the Bishop’s office the Spirit testified to me that everything was okay – that everything was how it was supposed to be. I had a feeling of total peace come over me while looking at those plaques and not seeing my son’s there. For the first time it became okay that I was not a missionary mom and I didn't feel the need for that title any longer. For the first time in a year I was able to let go of the disappointment and move on. That burden was gone.
I know there have been other more subtle turning points that have come as I have attended the temple, gone to church each week, and found ways to serve others. I know that I have been greatly healed in the simple mundane things that the gospel teaches us to do every day. In simply just keeping myself busy in surviving the day to day emotions of having a missionary return early I was strengthened because my Heavenly Father loves me and helped me learn to find joy again. I know I have spent much time wishing away this phase of life for something easier but I have learned to appreciate the growth that the Lord allowed me to experience. I am so thankful for the gradual growth that has sustained me in what has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced so far in my life.
This spring I am ready to work in my yard. My pots are at the nursery and I am excited to pick them up in a few weeks. The idea of planning a family vacation doesn't scare me like it did a year ago. I don’t avoid places and people as much as I used to although I’m not sure I’ll ever really get over having to tell people my son came home early. I feel like life is returning to normal, albeit a new normal.
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