Out of nowhere it seems that everything – every emotion, every negative thought, the insecurities, all the anger, the hurt, all of it – is brought back to the center in just an instance. I’m not sure when and if that will ever end. I certainly have hope that it will.
There was a mission farewell in our ward today. Those don’t sting as much as they used to even six months ago which proves that time and prayer has been working for me. I can look at these families of the elders and be excited for them and remember all those happy feelings I had as my brief stint as a missionary mom less than a year ago. I am truly happy for every elder and their family and perhaps I hold my breath a little for them hoping their journey ends better than ours.
What I haven’t figured out yet is how to handle the speakers that I know are fulfilling their duty as priesthood leaders of the church and perhaps don’t realize that their words can sting. The speaker was talking about the new missionary changes and how the shortened time in the MTC requires every single person to help prepare the youth to serve. He said, “We need good parents, dedicated parents, to teach their kids to be prepared to serve. We can’t have any more kids that have not been prepared.” And then I am reminded all over again that I was not, am not, a good parent because I didn't raise that kid. And I look out over the congregation to the other families that have walked this road and see the same look and emotion on their faces that I am feeling. And just like that, I feel that all the forward progress I have made is erased and I've got to fight through all those feelings again. Nothing like having all your deepest thoughts and fears confirmed over the pulpit :)
There was a mission farewell in our ward today. Those don’t sting as much as they used to even six months ago which proves that time and prayer has been working for me. I can look at these families of the elders and be excited for them and remember all those happy feelings I had as my brief stint as a missionary mom less than a year ago. I am truly happy for every elder and their family and perhaps I hold my breath a little for them hoping their journey ends better than ours.
What I haven’t figured out yet is how to handle the speakers that I know are fulfilling their duty as priesthood leaders of the church and perhaps don’t realize that their words can sting. The speaker was talking about the new missionary changes and how the shortened time in the MTC requires every single person to help prepare the youth to serve. He said, “We need good parents, dedicated parents, to teach their kids to be prepared to serve. We can’t have any more kids that have not been prepared.” And then I am reminded all over again that I was not, am not, a good parent because I didn't raise that kid. And I look out over the congregation to the other families that have walked this road and see the same look and emotion on their faces that I am feeling. And just like that, I feel that all the forward progress I have made is erased and I've got to fight through all those feelings again. Nothing like having all your deepest thoughts and fears confirmed over the pulpit :)
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