One of the blessings in sending a missionary out is you know exactly what you have to do to get the papers to Salt Lake. There are check lists, guidance from the Bishop and Stake President, and advice (solicited or not) from all the other missionary mom's on your block or in your ward. Once the mission call arrives every mom promptly takes that booklet of information that came with the call away from the missionary so that she can laminate, frame, shrink it down to purse size, and promptly memorize it over the next few months. There isn't a missionary mom in the world that does not know every single requirement that has to be met and can probably tell anyone what page number said requirements are found. That little booklet becomes scripture because it contains everything you need to know. And just in case that information isn't enough every mom has already signed up on "Betty's Missionary Moms Mission" websites where all the current missionary mom's can welcome the newbies and give even more advice and suggestions.
But there isn't any guidance for an ERM who now wants to go back out. Just like there isn't a pamphlet outside the Bishop's office when they first come home, there certainly isn't a pamphlet outlining the process for them to return. And maybe that's because these boys have been deemed lost causes that there is no hope for so why waste paper and ink? Which is certainly confusing because when an ERM first comes back that's all anyone can talk about. What do we have to do and how fast can we do it to get this Elder back out in the field? But then the brutal reality sets in and days and weeks turn into months and years and the Elder is forgotten - left to fend for himself while a family fumbles their way through the dark.
But in those dark months and years the Lord works on these young men - at least I saw that with our son. The Lord allowed our son to experience the good, the bad, the ugly, the spiritual- so that he could be molded into the person the Lord needed him to be. As I watched my son go through some of those experiences I saw how he was growing into a man and I decided his "mission" was just different from what I had always thought it would be. I saw firsthand that the Lord does know us individually and is aware of our circumstances - my testimony of this grew 100% during the time our son was home. I realized that it wasn't my time table that mattered - the Lord had his own plan for my son and I had to have faith in His timing and simply strive every single day to love my son the way Heavenly Father did. Some days that was much easier than other days.
One late fall day, shortly before he announced his decision to return, I happened to re-read my son's patriarchal blessing and a sentence literally jumped off the page. It basically said the Lord was confident that he would be worthy to serve a full time mission as a young man and as he entered the mission field worthily the Lord would provide those special spiritual experiences that would bless his life. I was deeply humbled by the words an inspired patriarch spoke years ago and for the first time I wondered if all this that had happened was part of the plan for our son and our family. I know that we as a family, and me personally, learned and grew in ways we never would have had he not returned home early. Enough time had passed now, enough healing had happened, that I could honestly say we were better for the experience. It didn't mean there weren't scars and battle wounds that we would always carry but we had triumphed through something incredibly hard because the Lord carried us and blessed us. He did not leave us alone. After reading that line in his blessing I knew this next journey was part of a new plan that would require more learning and growing.
But how did we go about the next part? How in the world does this whole process of returning work? When our son announced he wanted to return to the mission field one of my first thoughts was to the "files" that had been thrown away almost a year ago (see blog post "The File: To Save or Not to Save?" June 2013). When he moved out he/we had thrown away everything associated with his mission - including that white Bible that comes with the call. But then I realized it didn't matter we had thrown that away because he would go to different mission - somewhere in the states. And what about his clothes? He had left EVERYTHING in the country he was serving in when he came home. Those people were so, so poor that he felt he could not justify taking home a suitcase of new clothes he knew he'd never wear again when those people came to church in jeans - the Sunday best jeans were the ones with the least amount of holes in them. Are we really supposed to buy everything all over again? Do we have to re-submit all the paperwork again? Did he have to get new shots? Would his call come in the mail again and we'd have a 3-4 month wait before he could leave? Did he have to speak in Sacrament meeting again? Do we have to pay for the plane ticket this time since the church already paid for the required two? Does he have to go through the MTC again? Will he speak a foreign language? How long does it take to get this ball rolling? My mind began to race with all the questions and possibilities and I didn't have a clue as to where to turn for answers. Not even Betty's Missionary Mom website had a group for returning ERM. Our son was meeting with his Bishop and Stake President in his student ward which left us further in the dark since our Bishop and Stake President had no clue what was going on so we couldn't ask them either. We were at the mercy of our son to relay information and updates to us which he has never, ever been good at. I decided there wasn't much I could do but just let him take care of it and try to relax - it was out of my hands.
But the Lord gave me two tender mercies to hang on to. The first came from my friend up the street whose son was working on going back as well. I couldn't call her and ask her details (because no one knew yet) but I could casually ask how things were going when I saw her. Turns out I didn't even have to do that because everyone else in the ward wanted to know how it was going so I just had to make sure I was listening. I did learn that there are several interviews that take place with the Bishop and Stake President once the Elder decides to return before anything else happens. They want to make sure the Elder is worthy, ready, and willing to move forward no questions - that the past is truly in the past. That family was at the end of that stage which our son had just started.
The other tender mercy came when I went in to get my temple recommend renewed. I was very nervous about going into the Stake offices because I hadn't been back there since that horrible night our son was released. I could still see that night in my head and it brought up all those feelings. I told my husband I was not going in the Stake President's office, I would meet with a counselor, and told my husband to make sure that happened. And he did - my husband actually went before me which I'm sure confused the Stake President since wives usually go first but I just couldn't go in there. And I'm glad it happened that way. The counselor I interviewed with is a very sweet and gentle man that reminds me of a grandpa. As we moved through the questions he came to the one about the Atonement and the Spirit filled that room so intensely. I was so overcome with emotion because for the first time in my life I could truly say and feel that I KNEW the Atonement was real, that it was for me, for my son, and it had healed my broken heart. I knew that a loving Heavenly Father didn't leave me without hope and comfort and sent His son to make sure I could be healed but more importantly to me was knowing my son had been made whole through the Savior. I had always believed it but now I KNEW.
After the interview the counselor asked my how my son was doing. I told him he was good and gave a report on what he had been doing the past 18 months. And then I did something I didn't even expect. It was like an out of body moment where I was watching myself do it but couldn't stop myself. I asked him what the process would be if an elder wanted to return to the mission field!! I couldn't believe I had just said that. He asked if it was our son that was thinking about it and I did something worse and said "Yes!" I had zero intention of saying anything - I had no idea where this had come from. I blamed it on whatever they put in those stake office rooms that make you answer truthfully. Like when they ask if there is any reason they can't call your husband to a leadership position and you've rehearsed all the wrong answers (like he sympathizes with those poor polygamists) that will keep your life from becoming complicated but you say the right answers instead. But this sweet counselor got emotional and it took him a minute to regain his composure and answer my question. It was in that moment that I realized something greater was happening in that room although I wasn't sure yet. The Spirit was very strong in that room. He finally told me the process to return wasn't as difficult as going out the first time. Our son would not have to re-submit all the paperwork because it was all still on file (that surprised me since I figured the church would have just deleted his file when he came home), that he would have a series of interviews, write a letter to the First Presidency explaining why he wanted to return, and then wait for the First Presidency to let the Stake President know their decision. He said, "IF he is allowed to return it's not usually to the same mission and it will be fast - a matter of days so be prepared for that." I thanked him for his information while my head began swimming in a whole new direction. "IF" he was allowed to return? "Matter of days....be prepared..." Was he kidding?? We spent 4 months getting him ready to leave, how would we do that in a matter of days??? Especially since we had no idea where he would be returning to!
I realized that this time there wouldn't be protocol to follow, a little white missionary "Bible's" to read and memorize, no help from Betty's army of Missionary Mom's. This process would be much like the process of when he returned: We would stumble our way through the uncharted, the dark, the ambiguous, and the Lord would do what He's done the whole way through this journey. He would guide us, turn on the lights, and it would all be okay in the end. And maybe, by the time this journey was over, we would write the pamphlet to put outside the Bishop's office
But there isn't any guidance for an ERM who now wants to go back out. Just like there isn't a pamphlet outside the Bishop's office when they first come home, there certainly isn't a pamphlet outlining the process for them to return. And maybe that's because these boys have been deemed lost causes that there is no hope for so why waste paper and ink? Which is certainly confusing because when an ERM first comes back that's all anyone can talk about. What do we have to do and how fast can we do it to get this Elder back out in the field? But then the brutal reality sets in and days and weeks turn into months and years and the Elder is forgotten - left to fend for himself while a family fumbles their way through the dark.
But in those dark months and years the Lord works on these young men - at least I saw that with our son. The Lord allowed our son to experience the good, the bad, the ugly, the spiritual- so that he could be molded into the person the Lord needed him to be. As I watched my son go through some of those experiences I saw how he was growing into a man and I decided his "mission" was just different from what I had always thought it would be. I saw firsthand that the Lord does know us individually and is aware of our circumstances - my testimony of this grew 100% during the time our son was home. I realized that it wasn't my time table that mattered - the Lord had his own plan for my son and I had to have faith in His timing and simply strive every single day to love my son the way Heavenly Father did. Some days that was much easier than other days.
One late fall day, shortly before he announced his decision to return, I happened to re-read my son's patriarchal blessing and a sentence literally jumped off the page. It basically said the Lord was confident that he would be worthy to serve a full time mission as a young man and as he entered the mission field worthily the Lord would provide those special spiritual experiences that would bless his life. I was deeply humbled by the words an inspired patriarch spoke years ago and for the first time I wondered if all this that had happened was part of the plan for our son and our family. I know that we as a family, and me personally, learned and grew in ways we never would have had he not returned home early. Enough time had passed now, enough healing had happened, that I could honestly say we were better for the experience. It didn't mean there weren't scars and battle wounds that we would always carry but we had triumphed through something incredibly hard because the Lord carried us and blessed us. He did not leave us alone. After reading that line in his blessing I knew this next journey was part of a new plan that would require more learning and growing.
But how did we go about the next part? How in the world does this whole process of returning work? When our son announced he wanted to return to the mission field one of my first thoughts was to the "files" that had been thrown away almost a year ago (see blog post "The File: To Save or Not to Save?" June 2013). When he moved out he/we had thrown away everything associated with his mission - including that white Bible that comes with the call. But then I realized it didn't matter we had thrown that away because he would go to different mission - somewhere in the states. And what about his clothes? He had left EVERYTHING in the country he was serving in when he came home. Those people were so, so poor that he felt he could not justify taking home a suitcase of new clothes he knew he'd never wear again when those people came to church in jeans - the Sunday best jeans were the ones with the least amount of holes in them. Are we really supposed to buy everything all over again? Do we have to re-submit all the paperwork again? Did he have to get new shots? Would his call come in the mail again and we'd have a 3-4 month wait before he could leave? Did he have to speak in Sacrament meeting again? Do we have to pay for the plane ticket this time since the church already paid for the required two? Does he have to go through the MTC again? Will he speak a foreign language? How long does it take to get this ball rolling? My mind began to race with all the questions and possibilities and I didn't have a clue as to where to turn for answers. Not even Betty's Missionary Mom website had a group for returning ERM. Our son was meeting with his Bishop and Stake President in his student ward which left us further in the dark since our Bishop and Stake President had no clue what was going on so we couldn't ask them either. We were at the mercy of our son to relay information and updates to us which he has never, ever been good at. I decided there wasn't much I could do but just let him take care of it and try to relax - it was out of my hands.
But the Lord gave me two tender mercies to hang on to. The first came from my friend up the street whose son was working on going back as well. I couldn't call her and ask her details (because no one knew yet) but I could casually ask how things were going when I saw her. Turns out I didn't even have to do that because everyone else in the ward wanted to know how it was going so I just had to make sure I was listening. I did learn that there are several interviews that take place with the Bishop and Stake President once the Elder decides to return before anything else happens. They want to make sure the Elder is worthy, ready, and willing to move forward no questions - that the past is truly in the past. That family was at the end of that stage which our son had just started.
The other tender mercy came when I went in to get my temple recommend renewed. I was very nervous about going into the Stake offices because I hadn't been back there since that horrible night our son was released. I could still see that night in my head and it brought up all those feelings. I told my husband I was not going in the Stake President's office, I would meet with a counselor, and told my husband to make sure that happened. And he did - my husband actually went before me which I'm sure confused the Stake President since wives usually go first but I just couldn't go in there. And I'm glad it happened that way. The counselor I interviewed with is a very sweet and gentle man that reminds me of a grandpa. As we moved through the questions he came to the one about the Atonement and the Spirit filled that room so intensely. I was so overcome with emotion because for the first time in my life I could truly say and feel that I KNEW the Atonement was real, that it was for me, for my son, and it had healed my broken heart. I knew that a loving Heavenly Father didn't leave me without hope and comfort and sent His son to make sure I could be healed but more importantly to me was knowing my son had been made whole through the Savior. I had always believed it but now I KNEW.
After the interview the counselor asked my how my son was doing. I told him he was good and gave a report on what he had been doing the past 18 months. And then I did something I didn't even expect. It was like an out of body moment where I was watching myself do it but couldn't stop myself. I asked him what the process would be if an elder wanted to return to the mission field!! I couldn't believe I had just said that. He asked if it was our son that was thinking about it and I did something worse and said "Yes!" I had zero intention of saying anything - I had no idea where this had come from. I blamed it on whatever they put in those stake office rooms that make you answer truthfully. Like when they ask if there is any reason they can't call your husband to a leadership position and you've rehearsed all the wrong answers (like he sympathizes with those poor polygamists) that will keep your life from becoming complicated but you say the right answers instead. But this sweet counselor got emotional and it took him a minute to regain his composure and answer my question. It was in that moment that I realized something greater was happening in that room although I wasn't sure yet. The Spirit was very strong in that room. He finally told me the process to return wasn't as difficult as going out the first time. Our son would not have to re-submit all the paperwork because it was all still on file (that surprised me since I figured the church would have just deleted his file when he came home), that he would have a series of interviews, write a letter to the First Presidency explaining why he wanted to return, and then wait for the First Presidency to let the Stake President know their decision. He said, "IF he is allowed to return it's not usually to the same mission and it will be fast - a matter of days so be prepared for that." I thanked him for his information while my head began swimming in a whole new direction. "IF" he was allowed to return? "Matter of days....be prepared..." Was he kidding?? We spent 4 months getting him ready to leave, how would we do that in a matter of days??? Especially since we had no idea where he would be returning to!
I realized that this time there wouldn't be protocol to follow, a little white missionary "Bible's" to read and memorize, no help from Betty's army of Missionary Mom's. This process would be much like the process of when he returned: We would stumble our way through the uncharted, the dark, the ambiguous, and the Lord would do what He's done the whole way through this journey. He would guide us, turn on the lights, and it would all be okay in the end. And maybe, by the time this journey was over, we would write the pamphlet to put outside the Bishop's office
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