For me, there is some nostalgia in taking down Christmas each year. I usually start un- decorating my house the day after Christmas and I like to do it alone. I like to take that time to reflect on the year, what we experienced as a family - the ups and downs. I like to think about the 3 things I'm going to do for the next year that I wouldn't normally do (I gave up on the "resolution" idea years ago and found this to be more effective for me). But more importantly, I like to take that time, when the kids are occupied with new toys and content not to bother me for a few minutes, to reflect on what I achieved personally that year and reflect on my spiritual growth. Without a doubt my reflections changed significantly after our son came home.
The first Christmas was the worst. I'm not even sure how I made it through Christmas that year. The day we got the phone call from our Stake President was the day my husband and I were supposed to get all the shopping done. Needless to say very little shopping got done and in the days that followed I was convinced Christmas wasn't even going to happen and I just didn't care. There was so much chaos going on from travel arrangements, appointments with the stake president, phone calls and visits from friends and family, etc. My girls were tolerant of all the chaos in the beginning although I could tell they were getting very irritated that our home did not feel like Christmas anymore. After our son was home they kept asking if there would be presents and when were those presents going to show up. I remember getting angry with one of them one morning and asking them how they could even think about Christmas and presents at a time like this. How could they not understand that life was never going to be okay again? My 13 year old daughter reminded me that I had other kids besides our son and they wanted our house to feel like normal again. I just wanted to crawl into bed and not get up for a very long time. I didn't care about anything - my life felt like it was ruined forever. Life is supposed to just stop when your world falls apart and yet it doesn't happen that way.
The next morning I went into my 11 year old daughters room to wake her up for school. When I walked into her room I was shocked at what I saw and wondered what in the world she could have been thinking. The night before she had put brightly colored streamers up all over her room, even hung them from the ceiling, which irritated me because it looked like another mess to clean up while she was gone. I asked her why she had put those streamers up. She said, 'I wanted something to look and feel happy since everyone is so sad. Now I can at least feel happy in my room." My heart melted at her sweetness and innocence that only a child can have at times like this and then I felt tremendously guilty. I realized in that very moment that it was time for me to get a grip on myself and make things "normal' again. I decided right then that it couldn't matter anymore how I felt inside because I still had kids that needed our home to be what they had always known it to be. They hadn't done anything wrong and yet they were getting "punished" in a sense. So my husband took another day off and we shopped like we always had. I made sure we did all the traditional activities we did every year. I made sure that Christmas was just the same as it had always been even though I didn't feel happy. I literally felt like a robot just going through motions. As we all gathered around the tree Christmas Eve night and had our Family Home Evening I didn't feel the same happiness I had felt the years before. Yes, all my kids were home, alive, and well (physically) but it wasn't supposed to be that way. One was supposed to be on the other side of the world. But we got through Christmas and I think we were all very relieved when it was over. I took Christmas down in a fog, still numb from the shock, but grateful to have that holiday behind us and anxious to get the first year behind us. As I reflected on the year, mainly the past two and half months, I knew that I had a lot of growing and learning to do in 2012. I decided that I had to be content that I ended the year of 2011 still standing.
Christmas the next year was so much different. It is true that time does heal wounds and a year had done a lot of healing for me. I was a much stronger, happier, and settled person over his early return at this point. My son was doing so much better than where he was a year ago so it was easier to be happy, My sister once told me that you are only as happy as your saddest child and I had learned the past year how true that statement was. Since he wasn't the sad and broken 19 year old anymore I was able to be much more happy. The happy feeling had returned to our home and I knew that for sure because my daughter had taken the streamers down from her room sometime in October. That was a happy day and another milestone on the road to recovery. We did our family traditions through the month of December with happiness in our hearts and things actually felt okay again. There was still a small part of me that said, "we should still have a missionary out" but those feelings didn't last long anymore. They were fleeting thoughts now rather than the big elephant in the room. As we gathered around our tree Christmas Eve of 2012 I was truly thankful that all 5 of my kids were home, all healthy (even mentally and spiritually now), and all happy. As I took everything down once again, I reflected on how blessed we had been even though it had been a very difficult year. I was again grateful that the year of "firsts" was now over and already looking forward to 2013 when he would have been home and all his friends would be home. No more missionary talk and that made me happy.
As I took Christmas down last week my thoughts were with another mom whose son had just come home two weeks before Christmas - just like mine had two years ago. I didn't know this mom but somehow I hoped that she would know that you do get through Christmas and it gets easier every year. I would hope she would know, and any mom to know, that as you put one foot in front of the other, keep going through your daily motions and cling to your faith that you do heal. And I hoped that she would know that the reason we celebrate Christmas is because the Savior loves us so much that he was willing to be born so that He could die for us...for me... and most importantly...for our sons. And as I remember that each year the pain gives way to hope that all will be well in time. As I reflected on this past year I realized that this experience changed me for the better, that the Lord knows us individually and has a plan for each of us. The reflection each year only gets better and easier...I promise.
The first Christmas was the worst. I'm not even sure how I made it through Christmas that year. The day we got the phone call from our Stake President was the day my husband and I were supposed to get all the shopping done. Needless to say very little shopping got done and in the days that followed I was convinced Christmas wasn't even going to happen and I just didn't care. There was so much chaos going on from travel arrangements, appointments with the stake president, phone calls and visits from friends and family, etc. My girls were tolerant of all the chaos in the beginning although I could tell they were getting very irritated that our home did not feel like Christmas anymore. After our son was home they kept asking if there would be presents and when were those presents going to show up. I remember getting angry with one of them one morning and asking them how they could even think about Christmas and presents at a time like this. How could they not understand that life was never going to be okay again? My 13 year old daughter reminded me that I had other kids besides our son and they wanted our house to feel like normal again. I just wanted to crawl into bed and not get up for a very long time. I didn't care about anything - my life felt like it was ruined forever. Life is supposed to just stop when your world falls apart and yet it doesn't happen that way.
The next morning I went into my 11 year old daughters room to wake her up for school. When I walked into her room I was shocked at what I saw and wondered what in the world she could have been thinking. The night before she had put brightly colored streamers up all over her room, even hung them from the ceiling, which irritated me because it looked like another mess to clean up while she was gone. I asked her why she had put those streamers up. She said, 'I wanted something to look and feel happy since everyone is so sad. Now I can at least feel happy in my room." My heart melted at her sweetness and innocence that only a child can have at times like this and then I felt tremendously guilty. I realized in that very moment that it was time for me to get a grip on myself and make things "normal' again. I decided right then that it couldn't matter anymore how I felt inside because I still had kids that needed our home to be what they had always known it to be. They hadn't done anything wrong and yet they were getting "punished" in a sense. So my husband took another day off and we shopped like we always had. I made sure we did all the traditional activities we did every year. I made sure that Christmas was just the same as it had always been even though I didn't feel happy. I literally felt like a robot just going through motions. As we all gathered around the tree Christmas Eve night and had our Family Home Evening I didn't feel the same happiness I had felt the years before. Yes, all my kids were home, alive, and well (physically) but it wasn't supposed to be that way. One was supposed to be on the other side of the world. But we got through Christmas and I think we were all very relieved when it was over. I took Christmas down in a fog, still numb from the shock, but grateful to have that holiday behind us and anxious to get the first year behind us. As I reflected on the year, mainly the past two and half months, I knew that I had a lot of growing and learning to do in 2012. I decided that I had to be content that I ended the year of 2011 still standing.
Christmas the next year was so much different. It is true that time does heal wounds and a year had done a lot of healing for me. I was a much stronger, happier, and settled person over his early return at this point. My son was doing so much better than where he was a year ago so it was easier to be happy, My sister once told me that you are only as happy as your saddest child and I had learned the past year how true that statement was. Since he wasn't the sad and broken 19 year old anymore I was able to be much more happy. The happy feeling had returned to our home and I knew that for sure because my daughter had taken the streamers down from her room sometime in October. That was a happy day and another milestone on the road to recovery. We did our family traditions through the month of December with happiness in our hearts and things actually felt okay again. There was still a small part of me that said, "we should still have a missionary out" but those feelings didn't last long anymore. They were fleeting thoughts now rather than the big elephant in the room. As we gathered around our tree Christmas Eve of 2012 I was truly thankful that all 5 of my kids were home, all healthy (even mentally and spiritually now), and all happy. As I took everything down once again, I reflected on how blessed we had been even though it had been a very difficult year. I was again grateful that the year of "firsts" was now over and already looking forward to 2013 when he would have been home and all his friends would be home. No more missionary talk and that made me happy.
As I took Christmas down last week my thoughts were with another mom whose son had just come home two weeks before Christmas - just like mine had two years ago. I didn't know this mom but somehow I hoped that she would know that you do get through Christmas and it gets easier every year. I would hope she would know, and any mom to know, that as you put one foot in front of the other, keep going through your daily motions and cling to your faith that you do heal. And I hoped that she would know that the reason we celebrate Christmas is because the Savior loves us so much that he was willing to be born so that He could die for us...for me... and most importantly...for our sons. And as I remember that each year the pain gives way to hope that all will be well in time. As I reflected on this past year I realized that this experience changed me for the better, that the Lord knows us individually and has a plan for each of us. The reflection each year only gets better and easier...I promise.
RSS Feed